Gotta Go Potty

Yesterday, I attended a Korean church called Hyung Jae Church (Community Church of Seattle). My mom wanted to attend the church because its pastor had come out to Vancouver and held a powerful revival meeting.

Honestly, it has been nearly 20 years since I stepped into a Korean church for a service other than a funeral. Hyung Jae Church was surprising because the building was relatively new and it actually seemed like an American church more so than a Korean church. The church was modern with LCD TV's hanging on the walls and a obligatory coffee bar with a high end espresso machine.

I attended the English Ministry congregation which numbered about 250 people but I was told it can get as high as 400 people depending on the events going on for the week. I was impressed by the staff and I felt instantly comfortable. I think the comfort that I felt was because of my years growing up in a Korean church. Some of my best times in my life came from a Korean church especially during church camp.

I remember one time when I was about 15 years old coming back from a camp in a passenger van. A younger kid named Steve Ahn was sitting in the back row with me. He had to go to potty very badly but the bus driver refused to pull over since he thought Steve was just faking it. Unfortunately, Steven's bladder barely could stand the additional pressure so he decided to take matters into his own hands.

To set the scene, the windows in a passenger van do not completely open. The hinge only allows it to be open a few inches. Well, Steven stood on the backseat and maneuvered his body so that his weiner would peak outside the window. He proceeded to give the car behind us on the Trans-Canada Highway a "Golden Shower". However, the turbulence from the vehicle also allowed some of his warm pee to re-enter the cabin of the passenger van. I would become a victim of collateral damage as I felt a warm shower on my face.

Remembering some of the "fond" church memories allows me to realize how rich of a life that I've had. I've had a lot of great friends and wonderful experiences at church. One positive thing that I can glean from this not-so-fun heart surgery experience is that I get to reminisce about the past. I don't think we do that enough because we are always so busy progressing that we forget to appreciate what has happened to us. So, I'm blessed that I get to take a look back and remember old friends and rich experiences.

Goodbye Independence

Last night, I had a bit of a scare. I should tell you first that I am an insulin dependent diabetic. I switched to insulin a month ago after finding out that most oral diabetic meds are bad for heart failure patients. Therefore, I had to switch to sticking myself in the stomach with a needle. Oh lucky me!!!

At any rate, I guess I didn't eat enough dinner and my blood sugar went alarmingly low. I woke up in the middle night and I was completely disoriented. My limbs were tingling and an extreme fatigue fell over my body. I called for my mom who happened to come one night earlier than expected to help me. She saw that I was sweating beyond control and realized what was happening.

She immediately swung into action in a calm assertive way and brought me a host of korean foods called banchan which is a tapas-style way of eating. Koreans typically eat banchan anchored by sticky rice and kimchi (a malodorous fermented pickled cabbage hated by most round-eyed people). The additional sugar in my system took a while to take effect but it eventually rounded me back to my usual and hated cantankerous form.

This event taught me that as much as I want my independence that it might be also harmful to my own health. It's kind of sobering but it might be best that I don't live alone. I need to find a balance between needing help and allowing my surly self to find some breathing room. God help us all.

Reality Check

I filled out my leave of absence paperwork for work for my short term disability. Which means I can hear the Jaw's Movie ominous theme song, "Da Dum, Da Dum, Da Dam." The big day is drawing near and people keep on reminding me about the date just in case I happen to forgot about the surgery. Don't worry, the surgery is in the forefront of my mind.

In addition, my mom is essentially moving in with me on Friday. I love my mom but please pray that we don't strangle each other. I haven't lived with her in 18 years and I look forward to the time together. However, I know she will treat me as if I'm some sort in invalid that is incapable of doing anything. I've fought for my independence and I doubt that I would give it up willingly.

Also, I need to give everyone a reality check on the surgery. I need to clarify that this upcoming surgery is not a cure all for what ails me. All it is doing is temporarily halting the progress of my congestive heart failure. Congestive Heart Failure is not curable by human means. There is no surgical or medical way to shrink the heart and undo the damage. I wanted to set the expectation that I won't be able to do marathons or steeple chase races after the surgery. It just keeps me at the status quo and prevents my disease to progress to the point where I would need a transplant. Again, prayers are always welcome and appreciated.

5 Reasons Why It's Cool To Have CHF

As you know, I've had heart issues all my life and my current heart incarnation is with Congestive Heart Failure or also known as CHF. I wrote a blog post earlier that clearly presents CHF in a bad light with all the hyperbolic talk about drowning in your fluids and all. I want to give you a tour of the contrarian argument for CHF. I shall do this by giving you a list of the 5 best reasons to have CHF.

#5 - Potheads think you are cool because they think you can be a source of medical marijuana for them.

#4 - Women think that you are super sensitive and they think you are in touch with your feelings.

#3 - Friends want to buy and make you dinner.

#2 - At the bar, strangers will buy you drinks and they will toast you while waxing poetic about some nonsense on the meaning of life.

#1 - Chicks dig scars!

My Sister's New Baby - Whatever Her Name Is

Congratulations go out to my sister and brother in law. They had a baby girl at 11:30am today. My brother in law, Simon told me that she came in at a healthy 7.51 lbs.

It kind of reminds of a thing that Pastor Mark Driscoll said today at Mars Hill Church. He said that the simple things make him happy such as holding his wife's hand or snuggling with his five children (subsequently this is my sister's fifth kid too). He was speaking about stewardship and he preached that the biggest idol that is worshipped today is money. However, money can't make you truly happy but it's really the simple things like family that truly makes you happy.

Today, I am happy. I will get to see my niece before I go under the knife. I hope that it isn't the last time I see her or the rest of my family but it does truly remind me that I am BLESSED!!!

P.S. - They still haven't picked out a name for her. Hopefully, they won't be fined for having an inappropriate baby name.

Bubble Boy

I occasionally have these flashbacks and nightmares of my first and second open heart surgeries. I can't tell - when I have the flashbacks and nightmares - which surgery that I am remembering, nevertheless, it's clear that it was a traumatic time in my life.

To put things into context, I was 4 years old during my first surgery and I was 5 years old during my second surgery. The surgery was done at the Vancouver General Hospital at a children's wing which was the predecessor to BC Children's Hospital. The rooms and hallways of VGH were quite stark as compared to the current Children's Hospitals which are littered with toys and animal cartoon murals.

Not only was I young, scared and completely confused on what was happening; I also didn't speak English at the time. This only added to the confusion and fear. My nightmare usually started the same way. I'm on a gurney in the bowels of Vancouver General Hospital. VGH is essentially a series of buildings connected by underground tunnels. The tunnels are dark and the ceilings of the tunnels are cluttered with pipes.

Eventually, we would reach our destination which happens to be the Operating Room. I would be wheeled in and then they carried me to the surgical table. There was a huge cluster of lights that were blinding me. People in gowns and masks were trying to talk to me who sensed that I was scared. Of course, I didn't understand them because I didn't speak English but they did try to use a soothing tone. Finally, a rubber greyish mask descends upon my face with the most distasteful smell in it. I remember trying to fight off the mask by pulling it but the masked people kept on forcefully putting the mask over my face and then....... darkness.

I woke up being so thirsty and so lethargic. I didn't feel like moving. My parents noticed that I'm starting to wake up and they stand over the bed. However, their images are distorted. I try to get my bearings and then I sense that I'm completely enclosed. I realize that my bed is completely surrounded by plastic transparent sheets (kind of like an plastic shower curtain). Only later while watching John Travolta's drama "Boy In The Plastic Bubble" did I realized that I too was bubblized. I now find that being a Bubble Boy is a sense or pride for me. How many people get to have that opportunity to live that way even if it was for a short time. In fact, my heart condition has put in my so many strange predictaments that some of those strange events have become laughable to me now.

As an epilogue to my Bubble Boy situation, I looked into the latest reincarnations of the Bubble Boy. First, the Bubble Boy was mocked in a Seinfeld Episode where George plays Trivial Pursuit and argues with the Bubble Boy regarding a typo on one of the answer cards (Moops vs Moors). Secondly, the youtube movie trailer below is of a 2001 comedy movie called "Bubble Boy" starring a young Jake Gyllenhaal. After seeing the trailer there is no doubt that Gyllenhaal had to draw from his "Bubble Boy" movie experience for his Oscar Winning Movie - Brokeback Mountain.

Grim Reaper

My fellow blogger Wiwille has created his own "bucket list" (a list of things to do before the Grim Reaper pays a visit). To no one's surprise, the entire list is consumed by the topic of booze, however, I was surprised that the words "Scarlett" or "Johansson" wasn't in the blog post.

I actually considered doing a "bucket list" myself on the blog but I thought better of it considering people want to inspired by the blog instead of being depressed by it. However, I do have a suggestion for Wiwillie. He should consider getting drunk with the drunken korean grannies while singing Hava Nagila on the karaoke machine. I know it's random but I would still love to see it before I kick the bucket. I would also say to him that if I drew the short straw and was unfortunate enough to be his boss that I wouldn't care if he got soused at work. As long as he brought some extra booze for me and he didn't get all crunk.

Here is a youtube video of Andre Rieu playing Hava Nagila. Rieu and his hair totally creeps me out.

Yay For Sleep

For those that know me well, they know that I'm a tortured sleeper. I get that from my mom because she is worry wart (euphemism for control freak) like me. I worry about finances, my legacy and about my friends and family. However, I don't worry about my surgery but I do worry how my surgery affects my finances, my legacy, my friends and my family. So I envy those that can fall into sleep so easily.

My ex father-in-law is one such person. First of all, I love the man and I consider him to be one of the greatest human beings on earth. He nursed me back to health during my 3rd open heart surgery. I also helped him during his prostatecomy when he stayed at my place.

At any rate, he has the habit of sleeping anywhere at anytime. I swear he is only awake only 50% of the time at church. In addition, he will sometimes talk to you and he will fall asleep not only in mid-sentence but sometimes in mid-word. How does that happen? I remember him once telling me a story and in the middle of word, he nods off and starts to snore.

He also has the propensity to nod off while driving long distances. He has a trick to keep himself awake. He likes to each sunflower seeds. The motor skills required to open a sunflower seed allows him to focus and concentrate on the road. I have tried this many times and it does work. However, I chronically have gout and everytime I eat sunflower seeds, I get a very painful gout attack. Now, I just pull to rest stop for a quick 20 mins to revive myself.

My lack of sleep is causing me problems to an already tired and weak body. I have a tough time concentrating and getting things done. This reminds me of a story a friend told me about a trip to the psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said in a Morpheus (The Matrix) like way, "I have two pills in my hand. "The blue pill will give you the ability to focus and work very efficiently and quickly. The red pill will give you peace and calm. Which pill would you like to take; the blue or the red pill?"

For me, I'd take the blue pill because I would like to have more energy and be able to get things done. I don't need the red pill because I already have peace in Jesus. My question to you is, which pill would you take and do you have peace in your heart?

Congestive Heart Failure & Cankles

It seems that all women have their trouble spots on their body. One of the most famous body trouble spots has birthed a new word - Cankles. Here is the urbandictionary.com definition of cankles:

n. 1) An aesthetically unfortunate physiological condition which leaves its victims with no discernable narrowing of the ankle between the calf and the foot. 2) An ankle which has no discernable narrowing from the calf to the foot. History: The word is derived a combination of the words calf and ankle. Victims of this condition are advised to avoid the following: ankle boots, ankle-strap shoes, anklets, ankle socks, ankle tattoos, high-top shoes, and any other footwear or legwear that might draw attention to the cankle region.
Kelly has a classic case of cankles -- her calves are the same width from knee to foot.

When I go to the cardiologist, he does these three things before he listens to my heart. Number 1 - he will feel my pulse. Number 2 - he will look at my ankles. Number 3 - he will listen to the lungs. Number 2 and 3 are investigative steps to see if I'm retaining water. The reason why he checks for water retention is because it is a sign of Congestive Heart Failure.

In fact, you may not know this but the way people die of Congestive Heart Failure is by drowning. CHF patients drown in their own fluids. However, CHF can take years and months to develop so intervention is possible. That's why I'm having my surgery so that I don't have to have cankles and so that I won't have to drown in my own fluids.

You're probably wondering if I'm retaining water right now. The answer is yes I am. I take a medication called Lasix or Furosemide which is a diuretic. It basically makes you pee over and over again until it dries you out. I have been noticing water retention in my tummy area which has made bending over to show off my tramp stamp very difficult (just kidding mom).

I have to admit that the water retention is discouraging because it means that my Congestive Heart Failure is real and is not some sort of disease that only 3rd world and geriatric patients get. So next time, you happen to be standing beside me at the urinal please don't forget to say, "I'm glad your getting rid of your cankles."

Below is a youtube video that provides a relatively comprehensive explanation of Congestive Heart Failure. Enjoy!

Drunken Korean Grannies & Rat's Hind Parts

I was twenty years old when my mom and I took a trip to the motherland - Korea. Our sojourn through Korea started in Seoul where I got to a see the city's energy first hand. After a few days, my mom thought it would be a good idea for us to get away from the hustle and bustle of the city. She suggested that we go to visit some of the more provincial areas like one of the touristy mountains resorts. I was looking forward to it because I was getting tired of looking at concrete and tiny shreds of vegetation throughout the city. I longed for the mountains and greenery.

My mom and I reserved seats on a bus going to our highly anticipated trip to the mountains. When I walked through the aisles, I realized that I was going through gauntlet of Korean grannies. They all looks so nice and matronly. The bus started up and lurched forward toward its destination. Suddenly, the matronly grannies started to pull out bottles of Soju and started to drink like frat boys during their initiation and hazing period. They forced the driver to turn on the karaoke machine and all heck broke loose. The grannies became the most drunken obnoxious people that I have ever encountered. They were stumbling over each other singing traditional Korean songs. This went on for 2 horrendous hours. I asked my mom, "what's wrong with these grannies." She basically told me that they are old and they don't give a rat's hind parts about what you think about them.

My internal reaction can only be described as a confused duality. On one hand, their obnoxiousness was so disruptive that I wanted to blow up the bus. On the other hand, I relished the freedom of not having to give a rat's hind parts about anything.

Recently, I was chatting with a dear friend who was making questionable life choices. I normally just make a few quick jabs at my friend and leave it at that. However, I felt like I just didn't give a rat's hind parts and laid into her. I gave a tongue lashing only an ornery James Carville can give. I realized that since I'm having my heart surgery that I found the freedom of the drunken Korean grannies. I honestly didn't care what she thought of me because I was going to let her know the truth.

So do I regret what i said? Not really, the content was right on target. Do I regret the way I said it? Yes, I wish I was a little more muted in my tone. However, I think it's good to allow yourself the ability to be like a drunk Korean granny once in a while because it is liberating and intoxicating. So, if I come to you with a drunken Korean granny tirade, please know that I don't give a rat's hind parts about what you think about me and I only do that to the people that I really care about and truly love.

Little Man Caden

I must be a narcissist. Who else would make a blog entirely about themselves? Well, I've fallen back to earth and back to selfless sanity and I decided to write about Caden.

This little guy is at Seattle Children's Hospital where he is receiving his fifth round of chemotherapy as I type. Caden and I are kindred spirits because we both share the same birthday (May 11th) and we both received the same gift on our birthday this year (Nintendo DS Lite). In fact, when my sister bought me one, I thought it was the weirdest coincidence ever. At any rate, Little Man Caden has done a lot of fighting and he seems to be a formidable opponent against Leukemia. That being said, Leukemia has given him a couple of gut shots but he still stands proudly like a prize fighter. Not sure why I went through this pugilistic metaphor but I guess I was in a fightin' mood. I would also remiss if I didn't mention that Caden is a gigantic Star Wars fan.

I would like all my blog readers to extend your prayers for Caden as well as for me. If you want more info on Caden, please visit his blog.

The video below is a tribute to Caden and his love for Star Wars. However, I feel that I should WARN you that I felt like this video has robbed me of 5:27 of my life of which I'll never get back again.

Happy Father's Day

Truth be told, my dad wasn't much of a dad. He had a horrible drinking problem that eventually lead to him having liver and stomach cancer. To be honest, I rarely remember him not having a Labatt's Blue or a Bacardi and Coke in his hand at night. He would drink himself to oblivion as long as I can remember. I honestly don't want that to be the main memory that is etched in my mind of him but it is what it is.

That being said, I do have grace for him. God gave him grace and I decided to do the same. However, I needed some information for that to happen. So I got into this deep conversation with my mom about him. I wanted to know why he drank so much. She told me that my older sister Hae Joo died when she was three. He happened to be in Germany at the time of her death. My grandmother had taken Hae Joo and got her cremated and then subsequently burned every picture of her. All remnants of her existence was burned and my dad came back from Germany and was unable to get any closure.

Every Father's Day, I get teary-eyed when I think about my dad and the relationship that could have been. I often watch "Frequency" which I think is one of the best Father's Day movies ever made and I wish I had more time with him. That grace that God extended to my dad; I have done the same. Frankly, it feels good to do that. It's kind of like tying up loose ends before the surgery. I trust everyone had a great Father's Day and I hope that if your father isn't the best dad in the world that at least you will extend him some grace.

Love In This Club

I'm in Vancouver this weekend to spend time with my family before the surgery. My nephew greeted me at my sister's house and we decided to go out and play pool at some ill-reputed billiards hall. When I came back, my friend Wayne (pictured to the left of the trunk) came by and asked if I wanted to go with him and my brother-in-law to a car club meet. But, I was tired after a long day at work, a long drive to Vancouver and a long evening playing pool. However, I was thinking that I'm just about to have heart surgery so I should soak in as much life as I can so I decided to go.

The members of the Vancouver Accords Club are a mish mash of disparate people who normally would never socialize together except for the fact that they love Honda Accords. My friend Wayne brought and cooked all the trimmings for a scrumptious midnight bbq. There was reason to celebrate because one of the members Derek, a white faux mohawked guy, had sold all his belongings for the opportunity to fabricate and modify cars in Japan. I met another member named Hopton (his tricked out trunk shown above) who took two years to modify his Accord to the masterpiece that it is today.

I write all this because it shows that I'm deciding to live life. To let people know that I'm not wallowing in self-pity but instead, I live each day as if it is my last. Let me tell you that there is liberty in living with that mindset. I hope that you don't take life for granted because living life allows you to meet people while they pursue their passions.

Scheduling Updates

I received a call from my surgeon's office - Dr. Edward Verrier. They are moving the surgery over one day to July 15th. However, they have me seeing the Electrophysiologist on July 2nd for a consult about what to do with my defibrillator. My defibrillator needs to be replaced and the leads are actually causing my tricuspid valve to leak. They will need to address that now.

I also need to go over the gameplan with Dr. Verrier on July 10th. I will also go to a pre-anesthesia appointment where they will draw blood and tell me where and when I should come for the surgery.

Waiting

For those that don't know but this fifth open heart surgery didn't just come from out of the blue. I've known that I've had severe pulmonary hypertension for over three months and I have to wait another month for surgery. During the last three months, I've had two surgical procedures canceled at the last minute. I've been rejected by three different trials for a new percutaneous valve replacement procedure that is under FDA review. Umpteen amounts of travel back and forth between my office and the hospital. I shudder to think of the amount of gas and parking money that I have spent over this time span. The sad thing is that I still haven't had the surgery yet.

Take it from me, the waiting is the worst. Along with the agonizing wait, I have repeatedly received bad news after bad news. It's very surreal to receive bad news from a doctor. You suddenly realize somewhere during his speech that he's talking about you and not someone else. He gives you that look of pity and then you quickly try to morph into a facial stoic so that you can keep any shred of dignity that you have left. What makes it more tormenting is that after hearing the bad news; there is just more and more waiting.

Honestly, I'm tired of waiting. I'm ready for my destiny. I'm ready for God's plan to be revealed. I'm ready to have some sort of movement. I'm ready for something to be done. I'm just ready.

Breaking News

I spoke with the good folks at the University of Washington Medical Center (Go Dawgs!) and they have tentatively set the date of my surgery for July 14th. However, I was told by the surgeon that he wanted it done by July 1 because of the turnover in residents. Dr. Edward Verrier's assistant assured me that instead of residents that they will have other surgeons on hand during the surgery. Hmmm....I got a feeling the left hand isn't talking to the right hand here. I guess we'll find out how it all washes out at the end.

Tetralogy Of Fallot

I've had a lot of people ask me what is the name of my congenital condition. I tell them it's Tetralogy of Fallot and they give me that, "I've never heard of that disease," look to me. I hope to clear it up a little for you today.

There are two main parts of TOF. First, there is the Ventricular Septal Defect (VSD) which is the hole between the bottom chambers of the heart.

The second significant problem has to do with the narrowing or stenosis of the pulmonic valve and artery. This artery provides unoxygenated blood to the lungs. Often children with this condition are called, "Blue Babies". Mine wasn't diagnosed until I was one and a half years old and the repair technique was less than ideal since the surgery happened nearly 35 years ago.

Currently, most children that receive a full repair go on to do very well in their lives. However, I have developed Congestive Heart Failure because my repair was not adequate. That being said, the techniques and technology 35 years ago cannot be compared with the today's medical advances. If you have any more questions, please don't hesitate to leave a comment or email me. I've also pulled a youtube video that provides an indepth explanation about my condition. You can also go to the American Heart Association for more information too.

Les Miserables

I came down with a bug last night that is causing me misery. I have the usual symptoms: cough, stuffed nose, headache and fever. The biggest change that I have seen since my heart failure is that when I get sick; I become extremely fatigued. I can barely stay awake and my feet feel very heavy. I guess this means that I should called up the surgeon's office to tell them that I probably need to get over this illness before embarking on surgery. I hope y'all feel better than I do right now.

Thoughts On Prayer

I know that I have asked people to pray for me during this whole heart situation. I also know that most people are praying that God heals me. What I find ironic is that I am not praying for healing at all. I am praying that God's will be done and many people respond as though I'm giving up and I have lost all hope. However, that is not the case at all. All I am saying is that God knows what is best for me. I want to be in sync with Him and His plan.

A Open Letter For Prayer

Hi Everyone,

I will be having open heart surgery for the fifth time in a matter of weeks. I just saw the cardiac surgeon yesterday at the University of Washington Medical Center yesterday to get things rolling. My last two heart surgeries were touch and go with a variety of complications such as a stroke, catching a super bug called MRSA and severe swelling. The severe swelling caused my surgeon to leave me open for 4 days until the swelling went down allowing for enough room in my chest for my heart to beat.

I’ve been suffering from Congestive Heart Failure for many years caused by a congenital heart condition called Tetralogy of Fallot. My pulmonic valve has calcified and I need it to be replaced by this surgery. In addition, my implanted defibrillator has been acting up and it will need to be replaced too. The leads on the defibrillator have caused my tricuspid valve to leak so they will probably have to attach the leads to a patch which will be sewn onto the outside of my heart. I also have a problem where it will require that I need to have the heart/lung bypass machine to be attached to my leg instead of through the chest. This means that I will have to be on the machine longer than normal which will cause the severe swelling to happen again. Additionally, my heart has a ton of scar tissue that the surgeon will have to battle from the previous surgeries. The surgeon was clear that this will be a very complicated and risky surgery. The surgeon also said that he will need to have a Ventricular Assist Device (basically a partial artificial heart for the ventricles) handy in case something goes terribly wrong. He also noted that we need to get it done before July 1 because his residents will be turning over. He wants to use the most experienced residents because as he puts it, “for you case, I will need all the help that I can get.”

Fortunately for me, I have the best doctors that the Northwest can offer. I also have terrific support from friends and family. My last surgery was amazing because my family received cards and even phone calls from people around the world who didn’t even know me because of various prayer chains that I was on. That being said, I would like to ask for prayer for my surgery. I have set up this blog in case you would like to follow me through this ordeal. In addition, I’d like for people pray for my mom. She’s taking things pretty hard knowing that this will be a pretty dangerous surgery.

Thank You In Advance For Your Thoughts and Prayers,
Dennis

Introductions

For those that don't know me, let me first introduce myself. My name is Dennis and yes, I have a broken heart. To be more precise, I literally have a broken heart. I created this blog for those people who would like to follow my journey into open heart surgery. It also makes it easy for me to update this site instead of sending out a billion emails. I hope that you will find the journey interesting and insightful. You are more than welcome to ask me any questions via email or comments.