Waiting

For those that don't know but this fifth open heart surgery didn't just come from out of the blue. I've known that I've had severe pulmonary hypertension for over three months and I have to wait another month for surgery. During the last three months, I've had two surgical procedures canceled at the last minute. I've been rejected by three different trials for a new percutaneous valve replacement procedure that is under FDA review. Umpteen amounts of travel back and forth between my office and the hospital. I shudder to think of the amount of gas and parking money that I have spent over this time span. The sad thing is that I still haven't had the surgery yet.

Take it from me, the waiting is the worst. Along with the agonizing wait, I have repeatedly received bad news after bad news. It's very surreal to receive bad news from a doctor. You suddenly realize somewhere during his speech that he's talking about you and not someone else. He gives you that look of pity and then you quickly try to morph into a facial stoic so that you can keep any shred of dignity that you have left. What makes it more tormenting is that after hearing the bad news; there is just more and more waiting.

Honestly, I'm tired of waiting. I'm ready for my destiny. I'm ready for God's plan to be revealed. I'm ready to have some sort of movement. I'm ready for something to be done. I'm just ready.